Newcastle United’s beleaguered manager Alan Pardew is set to plead insanity at his FA misconduct hearing, claiming ‘the voices’ made him head-butt Hull City’s David Meyler. Pardew’s lawyer, in a statement handed to the Lamppost confirmed the highly unusual move saying; “Mr Pardew will be asking that the charges against him are dropped and instead brought against the voices in his head, who told him he must head-butt Meyler or his cock would fall off. In the past these voices have also been responsible for him pushing over a linesman, kicking a tramp in the face and burning down an orphanage. Alan is a sick man, and asks for privacy at this difficult time.”
It remains unclear if the FA will accept this plea, as it is not in fact an actual court, and no-one has ever argued this defence to them before. An FA spokesman, responding to the news simply stated; “He’s definitely tapped in the head alright, but that won’t get him off these charges, although we are considering adding ‘the voices’ as a co-defendant, if we can work out how to successfully try a collection of fictional spirits.”
At this time the identities of ‘the voices’ are yet to be confirmed, but sources close to Pardew tell us at least one may be the disembodied voice of recently departed Newcastle Director of Football Joe Kinnear, that haunts him by constantly pronouncing his name “Eileen Partridge”.
If the FA accepts that Pardew is indeed full-on batshit, rather than a petulant over-grown toddler who really ought to know better at his age, he will be sent to recover at a secure hospital where he will be mentored back to a stable condition by recovering mentalist Stuart Pearce.