Cellino: “I’m Not Italian”

PicsArt_1394047965152 (1)Convicted fraudster and potential owner of Leeds United today made the shock revelation of his greatest con to date; he’s not even Italian. Speaking exclusively to a reporter from The Lamppost Cellino admitted; “I don’t really know when it started, I actually grew up in Margate. I just think one of my mates at school told me I looked a little bit Italian, and I ran with it, I thought it made me sound cool and exotic. Since then it just spiralled out of control. I quit my job at Argos and decided to make a living out of pretending to be a mediterranean billionaire. I can’t believe how far I’ve got.” Cellino, real name Matthew Collins went on to say; “I guess I’m just a compulsive liar nowadays, I don’t even do it for a reason most of the time, it’s just a bit of a buzz.”

Cellino demonstrates his best Italian impression.

Collins demonstrates his best Italian impression.

Collins, who has never been to Italy, spent his teenage years perfecting the Italian look by slicking his hair back, constantly wearing sunglasses even in winter and riding a Vespa whilst sexually harassing women. “It’s really easy to make people think you’re Italian, you just wave your hands about a lot and loudly complain about the quality of olive oil in Britain, and people fill in the gaps for you. What people don’t realise is there isn’t even a team called Cagliari, I made that up too, I just picked a word at random out of an Italian dictionary.” TDL can confirm that in fact a cagliari is a type of aquatic snail.

Collins says he is now filled with remorse for his life of lies; “I really want to apologise to all supporters of Leeds United for wasting their time, but I’m taking this opportunity to turn my life around. I can’t stand the deception any more, and I’m fucking sick of linguine.”

As we go to press TDL has just learnt that Salah Nooruddin is actually a baker from Preston named Steven Norman.


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