Scandal engulfed the England squad’s preparations for their friendly match against Denmark today as teen sensation Luke Shaw was spotted smoking cannabis during a training session. Shaw, 18, was pictured by eagle-eyed paparazzi toking on a ‘monster reefer’ as he did keepy-uppies with a non-existent ball. When asked for comment Shaw merely mumbled ‘It’s just that, I don’t know man…it’s like…why are there all these systems that keep people apart man? We’re all part of one higher concisousness.”
An unnamed teammate described Shaw as being ‘absolutely mashed’ at all times during England duty, adding ‘I hope there’s not too many repercussions for him, he has such a bright future.” Luckily for the young starlet, FIFA categorise cannabis as a ‘performance reducing drug’ after noting that players under the influence ‘couldn’t be arsed’ to run about and would frequently stop to watch the big screens entranced; thus meaning he will be spared a lengthy ban.
Roy Hodgson released a statement earlier today calling for some perspective saying “Come on, it’s not like he’s mainlining smack here, it’s just a bit of puff. Who amongst us can honestly say they’ve never kicked back with a fat doobie or two when we were young? In fact, I’d smashed a couple of bifters when I selected Tom Cleverly, I just thought his name was really funny at the time, although I can’t think why now.”
Hodgson continued “Actually, despite FIFA’s ruling, I see it as a bonus, yes, his mobility and co-ordination have suffered, but as an England player, the only thing we care about is how good he is at penalties, and it’s really calmed him down in front of goal. I’ve even suggested that Ashley Young has a cheeky bong hit if he ever plays for us again.”
Dave Twentymen, the team’s nutritionist had a different view however; “It’s been a nightmare for me to be honest, he’s eaten nothing but cheesy wotsits and Mars bars since he got here. He’s making my job impossible.”
Rumours that Shaw spent the remainder of the afternoon at Engalnd’s St George’s Park sat under a tree playing Wonderwall on an acoustic guitar over and over are yet to be confirmed.