A nation is in mourning tonight as an estimated three million people have keeled over suddenly and died of sheer boredom watching the international friendly match between England and Denmark, with that number sure to rise as the full scale of the devastation becomes apparent.
Officials from Number Ten have tonight expressed their great sorrow at the nation’s loss, with the Department of Health asking all citizens to refrain from watching any future games of this nature, especially on ITV, as the commentary of Andy Townsend is believed to be a hugely exacerbating factor in the deaths.
Norma Pottingdon, 69 from Burnley, whose husband Ken was amongst the victims of the tragedy told The Lamppost; “He was just sat watching the game when he up and died. He went down clutching his head, slowly lolling over moaning something about Chris Smalling being shit. Luckily, I got bored stiff early in the first half, so I was in the other room watching the far more exciting ‘Robson Jerome’s Extreme Fishing’ on Dave, and was spared a certain death.”
The game is already being called ‘The Most Boring Thing To Ever Happen’, taking the title from an episode of Loose Women featuring Alan Shearer as the guest.
Michael Larwood, 43 from Basingstoke had a near miss; “I felt this numb, dull sensation starting in my brain and spreading through my body as the waves of tedium hit me, but luckily I managed to grab the remote and change channels just in time so I could watch the test card and get my pulse up a bit. It felt like my body was just giving up on life. “
Unfortunately, David Cameron has survived the disaster, as he was watching a rather thrilling game of polo on Public School Sports 2.
Roy Hodgson has tonight told the nation of his deep sorrow at their losses, but denies any responsibility stating; “I actually thought it was a very good match, action-packed and full of excitement.”