Noel Edmonds Surprisingly Not a Paedophile

PicsArt_1394047965152 (1)A spokesman for Scotland Yard’s Operation Yewtree has today confirmed that despite his baffling haircut, psychotic stare and history of employment at the BBC, the veteran broadcaster Noel Edmonds is, in fact, not a paedophile.

In a statement released to the press today, the Met Police pronounced: “Whilst looking for people in the public eye who look a bit dodgy and might be kiddy-fiddlers, we were immediately led to Edmonds by his frankly insane choice of shirts, flirtation with ‘cosmic ordering’ (which was presumed to be some form of paedophile Polari), and sinister undertone to his voice;  but after a full and thorough investigation, we can find absolutely no evidence to suggest he is a threat to children in any way, which surprised us just as much as the public. Even with the current spate of publicity surrounding historical sex crimes committed by celebrities, not one person has come forward to claim that Mr Edmonds molested them, which I find incredible.”

I know, it's un-fucking-believable"

I know, it’s un-fucking-believable”

The Met went on to lay out the crimes that Edmonds, whose creepy persona has been arousing public suspicion he may be a nonce for decades, has definitely not committed, including:

  • NOT having a hard drive filled with thousands indecent images of minors
  • NEVER inappropriately touching underage girls at the Top of the Pops studio
  • Groomed NO kids on the internet
  • DOESN’T hang around outside local schools on sports day
  • NOT spotted in town centres bundling youngsters into a battered old Transit van.

NOT a paedophile.

The stunned looking officer delivering the totally unexpected findings concluded by apologising to the ‘entertainer’ and Deal or No Deal host through gritted teeth, saying “I apologise wholeheartedly to Noel and his, wait, this can’t be right…wife?! Bloody hell…for any inconvenience caused by our investigations, but in fairness to us, we still maintain that he looks like a right weirdo.”

Edmonds was last seen in public herding ‘Disciples’ to his ‘Dream Factory’, leading many to speculate he is now also not the leader of a dangerous suicide cult.

We asked Mr Edmonds for a comment on this article but no-one at the Lamppost could stomach reading his response.