Puddle Of Black Sludge Actually Katie Hopkins’ Soul

PicsArt_1394047965152 (1)Reports are emerging today that a puddle of viscous, sticky, black sludge found in a North London railway siding is, in fact, the long-lost soul of TV personality Katie Hopkins.

The soul has been missing for the last decade leading many to doubt it ever existed. Many theories have been postulated about the soul’s location online in recent years, but government scientists now say the most likely explanation is that it had been traded to the devil in return for the lowest form of fame possible.

Dr Hillary Winkle, the country’s foremost authority on the human soul told The Lamppost; “It appears that the soul was of very poor quality already when Beelzebub acquired it, and after playing with it during a short rail trip to Chigwell, The Dark Lord grew bored of it and discarded it out of a train window.”

The soul, pictured earlier today.

The soul, pictured earlier today.

Harry Langington, the TFL worker who found the soul spoke exclusively to The Lamppost today. “When I first saw it I assumed it was a small pool of oil, but as I got closer I saw that it was much too thick, it had the texture of treacle. It was when I tried to remove the gunk that I knew something was up. As I prodded it with my broom it let off a terrifying scream filled with the existential pain of the eternally damned, and several small wisps of smoke flew off filling the air with tortured howls. That’s when I knew I’d found Katie Hopkins’ soul.”

Langington: "It was disgusting, like it contained nothing but hate."

Langington: “It was disgusting, like it contained nothing but hate.”

The Lamppost understands from sources close to Miss Hopkins that upon hearing the news her physical form was shattered torn apart as she was sucked into the underworld by hordes of cackling demons.

Miss Hopkins was unavailable to comment, due to lack of phone service in the seventh circle of


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