World’s Oldest Woman Terrified of Farting

PicsArt_1394047965152 (1)The world’s oldest woman, Misao Okawa, 117, is currently struggling to keep in a fart so potent it is feared it may kill her.

Mrs Okawa has been brewing the trump for four straight days after a hearty birthday meal consisting of tacos and re-fried beans, and now experts have estimated that although the resulting arse-biscuit will only measure  4.2 on the Sphincter scale (The world record being 9.3 recorded by Eric Pickles after a trip to Nandos in 2010, the equivalent of three hand grenades’ worth of force), doctors in her native Japan have warned that cutting a ripper of any magnitude may indeed prove fatal to someone of her frail and elderly nature.

Misao Okawa desperately struggles to hold on to her deadly payload.

Misao Okawa desperately struggles to hold on to her deadly payload.

Dr Fukinawa, Asia’s leading parpologist told The Lamppost “I’m extremely concerned about Mrs Okawa’s anal integrity. If she lets go of this whopper, the shock of it will mean it is highly likely she will be killed. Due to her advances years a standard removal procedure, a bottyectomy, is just as dangerous to her as letting nature take its course.”

Mrs Okawa was unavailable for comment today, but a spokesman for the care home where she has spent the last 21 years released a statement to the world’s press. “We are working at this sensitive time to ensure Mrs Okawa is as comfortable as she can be with a Zeppelin-load of gas in her small intestine and that all family members, staff and other patients at the facility are kept well outside the blast area. After four days in her degraded guts we fear the resultant odour will be highly toxic. We should all pray for her now.”

Mrs Copperwheel; "At our age it can be tricky. A nutty growler put me in hospital last week."

Mrs Copperwheel; “At our age it can be tricky. A nutty growler put me in hospital last week.”

In a touching show of sportsmanship, Mrs Okawa’s nearest rival to her title, the sprightly 115 year old Edith Copperwheel of Margate, Kent, sent her a message of support. “Of course, I’ve been waiting for her to shuffle off so I can be asked by legions of work-experience journalists what the secret of my longevity is (navy rum and frequent masturbation by the way), but I never wanted it to end like this. What a tragedy. Hopefully it will turn out to be a little squeaker and she’ll be fine.”

Sources close to Mrs Okawa say that she is currently tightly clenched, eating plenty of Rennie and hoping that it passes.

UPDATE: Since the publication of this article we were saddened to learn of Mrs Okawa’s passing after her mild flatulence escaped, causing a loose ‘ffffrrrrrppp’ sound. The eggy scent was smelt over three hundred miles away. She leaves behind four children, eighteen grandchildren and a nasty brown stain.

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