On an official visit to Ukraine; Councillor Frank Cant, Mayor of the Lancashire town of Burnley, has announced his delight at the beauty, peacefulness and security of the troubled capital city Kiev. Speaking after a three day visit Mayor Cant told the assembled media; “What a truly stunning city this is, I’m very impressed with the condition the government have kept it in. We have a great deal to learn from the people of Kiev.” Independence Square, which has for several weeks been largely on fire and filled with the corpses of protesters, was singled out for extra praise, with the Mayor declaring it “a scene of breath-taking beauty” with “noticeably low levels of racist graffiti”.
“I’ve had a look at the crime figures for the city, and I have to say that I’m staggered by the low levels of violent crime they have had over the last month, to have so few citizens die to gun violence in that period is something we in Burnley can currently only dream of. I’ll be keeping in touch with the chief of police here to see how they’ve managed to keep such order.”
The Mayor added that he was considering asking Kiev to twin with Burnley, should the approach they have already made to Damascus be rejected.
In response, Halyna Hereha, the acting Mayor of Kiev, told The Lamppost; “Mr Cant’s comments are much appreciated, and all of the people here in Kiev are sending our love and best wishes back to his hometown of Burnley, which we hear is in a truly awful state. I can tell you, I wouldn’t fancy swapping jobs with that guy!”
Mayor Cant was true to his word; upon his return he set about utilising the lessons he learnt on his trip by starting an enormous tyre fire in the centre of Burnley, thus improving both the look and smell of the entire town.