Vladimir Putin today announced what he called “Another triumph of Russian democracy in action” as initial polling results show that an astonishing 118% of the population turned out to vote in the referendum on the future of Crimea, delivering a land-slide 109% majority in favour of the region succeeding to Russia.
The vote, according to Impartial Observers from Moscow, passed off without a hitch, as queues of people stretched for miles. The Observers were armed with machine guns in case anyone tried to interfere with the democratic neutrality of the vote and wearing balaclavas to protect against the bracing weather. The crowds were in such high spirits at the unbiased, free and non-intimidating atmosphere of the referendum that they were seen joining in with patriotic Russian folk songs with the International Moscow Observers entirely of their own will.
Andrei Trnykcsko, spokesman for the Observers, told The Lamppost “These are the most free and fair elections, and the record turnouts we are seeing are a direct result of these people’s natural love for the great Mother Russia. We are heavily armed and are scanning the crowds for any potential disrupters of the democratic process. We even have tanks to ensure that this vote continues without the exertion of external pressures, and the people’s will can be done.”
The figures are certainly one in the eye for the decadent imperialists in countries like Britain and America, where turnouts are regularly recorded at around 60%, nearly half the amount the Crimean referendum has posted. This has led to many pundits including the rational, independent voice of the Russian State broadcaster Vasily Gorenenko, to question if this is in fact, the greatest triumph of rigorous democratic impartiality ever seen.
We asked an eager voter for his reaction to the result, he told us “This is very fair vote. Very safe. Please, no more questions, they looking now.”